I wish little kids didn't have to grow up. I see my little brothers laughing and playing and I cant imagine them being stressed out, miserable adults. I can't see them doing drugs or drinking to get away from the pain.
It kills me to know that one day they'll figure out how horrible the world can be.
I wish innocence lasted forever.
I think that a lot you know. Waiting for my mum and watching the small kids at Simei bus stop and I wonder why didn't I treasure my own chidhood? Why we're all stressing out and doing things with no motivation and letting ourselves go on like that, doing things because we have to and not because we want to?
That never existed when we were young.
Secondary school has instilled in me a newfound appreciation for my family, and Friends Are The Family We Choose For Ourselves, says this little book thingy I bought at the airport when I was like 9 and didn't know any better. (FATFWCFO - it can be pronounced as Fat Fwik Foe)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjvTeDUl3ls
Do you remember this song? It was used in some Nokia ads some years ago like this one in 2006 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxhZ-boAztA&feature=related oh halcyon days when I actually watched TV; now I don't even know how to operate our 6month old tv.
I love it because of all the nostalgia it invokes about frolicking around doing random voluntary art projects in primary school, because Mom and Dad have the keys to everything and the answers to the universe, homework is a myth, university is a faraway land of marshmallow trees and jobs, ho, thinking I'll never have to think about children of my own; still can't imagine ever leaving my parents to be someone else's, but I guess all that's gone now, isn't it? The good rainy days spent lolling about after being sent straight to my doorstep from school by a comfortable bus, reading Harry Potter and other books I didn't pay for with Milo I didn't have to make. Idleness is but the luxury of childhood. We have to grow up now. ): Bye.
FINALLY ON COMPUTER I couldn't type properly just now hahhah.
Screwed up papers majorly today, trying to say that the Internet provides us with a lot of educational resources and it turned out to be 网上有了许多帮我们的学业的东西. I fail lah I know, go away. English was so-so, wrote 1.5 pages compared to the standard 2.5? Doesn't matter right haha quality > quantity, but if quality sucks then I'm double dead.
TV prep after exams = blisters on feet which I can't even see but hurttt. Hope we get back in lah wth :/
Eight more papers to go.
Today I did Physics TYS on the MRT I looked like such a typical RGS girl :( And a lot of adults were staring at me weirdly so I mildly bitch-faced them DEFENSE MECHANISM.
I'm not even coherent right now will be speaking through pictures hi tumblr.
Hmm so what goes bad must get good? :/ Actually it's really easy not to care, I think I'm done with bothering about things that don't deserve my time/life. :D
Realised today that post-EYA period would be the exact opposite of freedom - three major things to occupy my time that're going to take a lot of time and effort: AR + TV + OSL :O
Ah I've been slacking on them too much pre-EYA so it's time to make up for it :/ BETTER THAN EXAMS, WAY BETTER.
1. I mug way more efficiently with friends, thank you current and future study buddies! 2. Laura I'm super excited for next Friday HAHA math and chem we're gonna die :( 3. Think I'm going to set up a private blog/tumblr to say all the things I wouldn't say here. Whether that'd make the contents of this one more/less private, idk! 4. Panic mode increasing, urgency mode kind of increasing too - MIGHT ACTUALLY GET PRODUCTIVE. 8D
Starting now, goodbye.
Omfg three quarters of this post was about EYAs?! :((((( I want my life back.
Going to reduce computer usage to a minimum (self-respect yo) so posts will be short!
These few days have been so tiring and I don't even know why. Gave up on Physics at like, 10 yesterday and fell asleep, slept during school and ponned Math Clinic to come home and sleep OMG I'M SUCH A PIG.
Still very tired now but I'm not going to let myself sleep /: Until 11:11 is over, at least. :D
Eeh $70 phone bill. At least dad's in a good mood, if this was like last year he'd have confiscated my phone by now :O And made me pay everything over the standard $50 LOL. 2853 outgoing messages wth! (do I really talk that much?) (don't answer that.)
Speaking of which my phone is screwing up so if you didn't get a reply chances are it didn't send, NOTHING ON YOU BABE~
Exactly 2 more weeks. Can feel myself slipping into just-take-it-as-it-comes attitude/mood, and it's not the good version, it's the I'm just going to cram the day before not good not good at all. :/
Ponning school to study would be way more productive.
I'm checking my email like a hobo and MinChih's smsing me "Got reply?" like a hobo and I'm replying "no :(" like a hobo THIS IS WHAT REJECTION TURNS US INTO.
Hobos that blog every thought that comes to mind.
--
what I think we need is a revolution in kindness. what we need is a revolution in consideration. reading your historical investigation draft last night makes me realize how alike all we all are, how brutal we can be. it’s been two thousand years since someone stood up and said we should all forgive and love each other, and I dont understand why nothing’s being done. we need, he repeats, reaching for his water, a revolution in the human condition.
Four days to first paper! :DDDD I hate my self-control.
I don't get how Sec 1s and 2s are already studying, I didn't start this early last time! MAYBE THAT'S WHY MY GRADES SUCK. Ok. Fine.
Oh and I realised one super big part of Post-EYA Awesomeness- CHEER AUDITIONS 8D
Argghhh I don't want Monday to come and the whole routine of a new week to set in again, I don't like going to school :( The physical part of going to school - I hate the morning rush and trying to get from Changi to Orchard with an annoying moodswingy transport system and unsympathetic prefects "Why were you late?" "I fell asleep and missed my stop (since I have to wake up at 5 bloody 30 every morning and leave by 6 if I want to reach school on time)" "Oh okay, try not to miss your stop next time" YEAH SURE OKAY I TOTALLY CHOSE TO MISS IT FFFFFFFUUUUUUU.
My dad wanted to read my blog and I didn't want to tell him the url (even though he could just google that but I'm not telling him that) and I felt so bad :/
When I tell you things it's not like I haven't spent a while thinking about it and wondering if I should tell it to you and when I finally decide to do it it's because I finally decided to trust you with it.
I'm not an open person, I don't just tell anybody things. It takes a lot more than most people.
So if you're going to argue against what I just told you, if you're not going to try and see it from my point of view, if you're going to even start accusing me of causing it in the first place, I have a right to be bloody pissed.
8:14 PM
#477; sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while
I'm rewarding myself with this after two hours of math! ...yeah I know I'm going to fail.
12 hours of sleep last night but I'm still looking forward to more tonight hahah.
Hard Rock Cafe for sis' birthday was probably the last time we'd be going there (Dad has decided to be cheapo in the future) and also the first time we properly experienced the extent of... Hard Rock High-ness in Singapore, which isn't actually very high - group of teenage birthday celebrants screaming every time the original band for the song the hired band was about to play (though I doubt they actually knew the song since they're all oldies and they're not my brother and they fell silent once the song started), drunk angmoh men walking around shaking their butts and desperately trying to get girls to dance with them, some guy standing up randomly and dancing (pretty well), and the hired band's singer relishing in the rare full-on attention with jumping and hair tossing.
B11ATCH ONE DAY WE GO ALSO KAYYY 8D Then we can go there and belt out old rock hits because we do know them... right? And we're not leaving till it's midnight! (Oh My Shit hello JWY is this possible for COH Retreat- okay forget I asked, it's not, right. ): )
And now my parents have picked up on the EYA mood and this is what we're now victim to: 1. Phones being confiscated when we tell them we're studying 2. Having to provide reasons for computer use 3. Dad innocently sitting in my room as I use the computer now for non-work stuff (since he always said Work Hard Play Hard, thanks daddy) 4. Weekends booked for math 5. Chased out of kitchen so my brother can study 6. Insistent mum wanting to have "chit-chat" with me about Physics (when I finally agreed she started listing out the properties of light in a little monologue)
Why Week 3 won't be so bad (I"m going to have a lot of motivational lists nowadays bear with me) Monday nothing to do anyone wants go out and study? Tuesday nothing to do either oh dear I HAVE NO FRIENDS. Wednesday means going home early to memorise good sentences :( Thursday would be the official start of the EYA season, but it means two papers down! (Eight to go) Friday CHILDREN'S DAY :D Mugging holiday, wth. TV auditions, at least that'd be a break
There's such a TGIF feel to tonight it really does feel like a Friday. Too many people online and even though I haven't gotten round to the mindless pointless nightly conversations it still makes me happy.
(As happy as stalking teachers, but that's another story) (ASK ME WHO ASK ME WHO YOU WON'T REGRET IT)
I just came across an article titled "What's my purpose in life?" I'm not even going to bother reading it - I know I'm not in the best position to say this but sometimes we spend too much time questioning what we're doing how it's beneficial what we can do with it how important it is why are we doing it who are we doing it for is it worth our time?
Go live already. (Stalk teachers) (YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO ASK ME WHO)
Yesterday I ambitiously decided to stay up till one to study, then I went to sleep after 11:11; today I threatened Ningxin (yeah, not ningxin or NINGXIN, but Ningxin) that if we weren't productive I'd never go study with her again, and we did half an hour of chem and we are going to go study again. .__.
Sec 3 turns us all into muggers :( Especially if you slept through every lesson that mattered wtffff.
Things To Look Forward To: 1. Guides resuming 2. AA Discussion 3. AA Batch Discussion 4. TV choreography 5. TV hardcore practising 6. AR...? :/ 7. Movie Marathon! (Nicole I'm dying to watch Dear John because somebody kept elaborating on its awesomeness thanks ah) 8. Pizza Hut 9. Guides Video filming 10. BP Quest mugging! (Yeah, whatever okay.) 11. CCAO - I don't even know why this excites me but. !!! 12. Sleeping 13. Getting excused from school, please? 14. Watching a movie, in a cinema. Gasp. 15. Having a life, maybe?
Today I learnt the importance of a kind word from the person you'd least expect it from. Honestly, I'd never thought my worries were big enough to be noticed by people I don't voice it out to, but you noticed it and I'm... touched, to say the least. Thank you, i think you know I'm talking to you :)
Anyway, I think I've said this before but circumstances recently have made me think about it again - I really am overly reliant on stability, and security. I like coming to conclusions about people and things, I like making generalizations. And when unexpected things happen, I match generalizations to circumstance and come to conclusions about what's happening, and what's going to happen.
I guess in a way I'm tying myself down in this bid to find something stable to fall back on each time? I don't know if it's a bad thing, or if that even matters.
(Sorry I keep being vague) And I don't even know what changed but things are so different and I don't know what you're trying to do and I don't know what I'm trying to do either and it's like $&%&&$#)*(& AM I BEING TOO PETTY.
--
ION Burger King with Jocie and WeiYi = we know nothing about acids, bases & salts but spent a lot of time fantasizing about post-EYA period! AA OMG CHUNHUI JOCIE I'M GOING TO PISS YOU OFF WITH MY TOO-ADVANCED-HYPERNESS. :D
Long long list of movies too watch but for now- 1. Chem ppt slides 2. Print them 3. Shut down the comp 4. Refrain from watching OMG 5. Turn Into A Mugger.
BY THE WAY THREE QUARTERS OF 304, I DO NOT SLEEP IN EVERY LESSON ):
Made a study timetable yesterday (yes kill me now I've turned into a mugger) and now even getting on the computer is so guiltifying :( So I come on with the pretense of downloading Physics slides course I am.
Yesterday Cheryl Doobie and I packed our bags five minutes before the bell rang, and counted down to 2:48:47 seconds when the bell rang and ran downstairs and out the gate and across the road like little primary school losers 8D But then 105 took too long to come so no McValue lunch :( (KFC buddy meal + cheese + macs fries instead hell yeah)
Anyway diet starts now cos TV wants us in tighter costume I feel so violated.
Yeah and in accordance to that HanJun and I went to Far East after Math Clinic and had bubble tea and cheecheongfan I think I'm going to wear a garbage bag.
--
Just now something happened that I'd normally react to, but I didn't, and I'm so damn proud of myself. :D :D :D Proud in the I-can-read-this-vague-thing-in-six-months-and-still-know-what-it's-talking-about kind of way. It's a good feeling. Like, now I'm in control of myself, no one else.
And oh god I really need to improve on my work relationships etc, I'm turning into Mega Bitch because everything's pissing me off whyyy. I know what I need to do, but I can't bring myself to doing it.
Maybe it's all related to expectations. Oh who am I kidding, it isn't.
All my motivation for EYAs comes from Guides heh - COH Retreat (we want to watch Step Up 2/3 on b11atch-only night :D), firelighting practice spam (haha Wei Yi and Yin Yu and I are planning to ask Ms Lee if we can practice like everyday because we haven't firelighted in super long), initiatives, leadership film-making, BP Quest mugging, planning for next year, AA PLANNING :DD After EYAs I'll go search for all the AA-related documents and we'll start planning okay!
[Jocie]
Laura this is my version of why I love rafflesguides :) JOCIE I forgot to say - I HAVE STEP UP 1/2 ON CD! Omgggg I can go buy Step Up 3 and we can have a marathon 8D
Shit, I am so excited :D :D :D Mugger mode on I'm going to make sure post-EYA period is going to completely enjoyable, no regrets.
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When I was a little girl, my family vacationed with 2 other families every year.
A boy, 3 years younger than me was in one of those families. One year we had a wedding for our dogs; his dog was 3 years younger than mine.
I said "Age doesn't matter." I'm 29 and he's 26; last night he proposed to me saying those words. His LGMH.
friday night when we discussed private lives. when laura came back and said i swear that mirror really does make us look fat. twisting our phones at awkward angles to spy on people with the reflection. being an impostor. my brother imitating an annoying person with my stuffed lion. when you said something sweet. being paedo-ed at with a clueless shit that i love v v v much. when I was talking to you and realised that someone experienced the exact same things I did every quiet night. when we spent HBL on oovoo and skype and msn. when I lunched out with you and we pigged and felt guilty about how the food came on the table and ate anyway. when you texted me and said omg i got on the wrong train. when I got so mad at you and you said that one line. everytime we go to pizza hut and update each other on our lives and turn into big camwhores. ninny waking up halfway through our camspam session hahah. all my friends. milk tea outings. b11atch. jumpshots. power showers when sticky. eating oranges.
being controlled when you were being unreasonable. mad that you couldn't trust me. when you don't let me grow up. when you dictate my life. getting so disappointed, by expectations. hurting the people I love. going to bed angry that you hurt me again, and i let you. remembering what was gone and what would be too, soon. listening to songs that put into words exactly what i was feeling, and i knew so many other people were, too. thinking about what was to come. watching soppy movies and never really knowing what it was that hits me so hard. hoping wishing wanting.
It was so much easier to think of what made me cry. I don't know why but the things that made me cry are making me smile more than the things that made me smile.
Yesterday was one of the best Fridays I've had in a really long while :)
Went with Laura Nicole Rae-Ann WangXuan and Vanessa to Far East after session and we sat there and talked about life and love and appreciating the smallest things and asked Laura to keep telling us about her beliefs and tried to absorb the immensity of it all. I just want to say that never would I ever have imagined telling all of you the things I did, but I guess you find comfort and security in the most unexpected places - you guys are one of the best friends I'm going to leave RGS with.
I don't really know how to put this into words but yesterday night was amazing (yeah go let's go find an innuendo in that along with Baa Baa Black Sheep) and I'm never going to forget it.
YES NICOLE WE GO FANGIRL LAURA TOGETHER 8D
Mugging with Laura after that was, an hour of eating and talking, thirty minutes of math, and half an hour of yami yoghurt :) And when people asked if it was productive I could say it was, in all the things that would matter. Ah next Friday, one more time! 8D
Today: 1. Rugby Assessment ended early so Mr Ho made us play a friendly match - which wasn't bad for our final game ever (I mean, if we completely disregard the fact that I ran towards the wrong goal twice because 1. nobody told me where it was 2. clarissa pointed at it and yelled THERE! THERE! but it turns out she screamed NOT THERE! NOT THERE!) and I realised that 304 really isn't as rough and competitive as I thought it was, haha.
2. English at Magic Lab meant reading theoatmeal while she goes through compre answers I Like.
3. Went for Chinese slightly late after recess, and as hls talked I didn't want to interrupt her since she might bite me if i dare ask to leave after coming in late so I sat there awkwardly and shoved my hands in my shirt as I tried changing in the middle of lesson and looked innocent as she asked Doob and JieLin (i.e. SEATMATES) for answers and then I stripped in the middle of lesson oh yeah. (As Annabel and Deng Jia cheered me on from behind, you pervs ;D)
4. Birthday present shopping for my sister with Kway and we walked around Wisma as she mocked my sense of direction and looked for F21 as we mocked my sister's fashion sense and bought her owl necklaces and tried to turn her into a bird (peacock feather earrings, seriously?!) and thought like a Bimbo and bought Bimbo Things. (Most expensive birthday present ever, but, not my money idc)
5. Sat at Starbucks working on bideleven (BACK IN ACTION PEOPLE, BACK. IN. ACTION.) (If you're in b11atch and don't know what that's about, shame on you, COME AND ASK ALREADY) after spending about fifteen seconds dragging out "I'll have aaaaaaaaaaaaaa" as the counter guy looked at me weirdly and started recommending drinks, 7 bucks on coffee I am not happy.
6. Best thing ever today - I. Didn't. Sleep. Hell yeah.
Anyway, Stalkers who read this and I don't know read this (I know you exist I have my sources), I stalk you too.
Today, when they gave me an honorable discharge and a medal for saving two of my fellow soldiers in Afghanistan, I couldn't help but feel disgusted that I was too afraid to go back for the other two. In hindsight, if I hadn’t fallen apart emotionally, we all could have made it out of that building alive. MMT
So 11:11 does work and I'm back to being a believer :) (Thanks Kway)
So it's the last day of the holidays. I've done nothing but Trigo :( Left with Chem + more Math + English + there-definitely-is-something-more.
but like yinyu mentioned productivity isn’t quantified by work done. I think it’s quantified by how much closer you’ve gotten aligned with your purposes and goals through whatever you’ve been doing. and so this september holiday has been more productive than I’ve been in a long time- productive in the things that matter.
Today was the first time in a very very very long time that I loaded all my bookmarks (47 of them) and read through them (and still am). I don't know how this will help me in the long run but right now I sit here watching sweet videos and tearing as my mum nags at me to do my work and it just feels right. I guess my goal is being happy :D
I have a new dream job! And I don't know how practical it is but screw it, even the thought of becoming it one day is inspiring enough, and motivational enough. If you want to know what it is, ask, but be ready to listen.
DAY TEN: One Confession (Haha I'm at day ten like, twenty one days later?!) I confess that maybe I'm not as over it as I thought I was :( Ah well, I'm happy now.
Mm I don't think you're thinking of what I'm thinking of, seriously, ask to clarify if you suspect anything and I'll answer yes/no, I don't want people to interpret it wrongly.
[edit] Omg people, my confession is not about Guides! Come on there wasn't even anything to get over what d'you think I ammmm. [/edit]
9:40 AM
#465; wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts
Yesterday = Khmer Lessons + a lot of eating + Khmer Rouge play at Therese's house! Unofficial Team 2 bonding 8D And I LOVE GLT.
Play was eye-opening in a way, especially the Q&A session. ...Reflections due next Sunday, hahaha.
OKAY I cannot form sentences when my brain's in Trigo mode, so Tumblr Challenge time. DAY NINE: Two smileys that describe your life right now. D: :@ T.T D<
:(
1:46 PM
#464; there is no home like the one you've got, 'cause that home belongs to you
DAY EIGHT: Three turn ons 1. HELLO 2. HAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAHA 3. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
YinYu no I wasn't annoyed at you!! I barely got to talk to you all day anyway :(
Today I woke up and cried my eyes out at Nights in Rodanthe I love love love the holidays! (Yesterday I turned on the tv to take my mind off things and Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging was showing and when it ended Bolt started!!) (Okay, shit.)
Now I'm going to be hardcore and do AR stuff (no, not study, that happens... after lunch)
Okay so, today I: 1. Passed WAGGGS. 2. Got annoyed. 3. Passed Sec 1s. 4. Got annoyed. 5. Checked movie timings. 6. Got annoyed 7. DID A LOT OF THINGS AND GOT ANNOYED :(
Today is a bad bad bad day.
And I think I'm the most obvious person in the history of mankind because I try to be subtle and I'm not and I try to not have such obvious expressions but I do? SO EVERYBODY KNOWS MY THOUGHTS/FEELINGS. Even you, not like you're going to admit you know/I'm going to admit I know you know.
Today WeiYi and I were at City Hall and she quizzed me - "Name 3 countries from Europe that are under WAGGGS" "Uh, London" "LONDON'S NOT A COUNTRY" (Then angmoh man behind us goes) "Shocking! I'm going to work and tell this to people!"
DAY SIX: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever) 1. AMANDAHHHHH: <3 Oh shit I never knew you read my blog I love you so so so much thank you that really means a lot to me :) :) :) :) :) <3 And so do youuu :D 2. Kway: Ah I'm sorry I can't go home with you tomorrow either :( We need to complete our eating fest kay :D 3. DOOBIE: I am so insanely excited for pigfest tomorrow!!!!!! And warehouse shopping shit I haven't watched budget barbieee 4. Ningxin: All your help recently :) :) :) Even though you go against everything I say and make me damn confused but I wouldn't have dared confide in anyone else <3 5. Rae: hahahaha you ah. Thank you for a lot of things.
And so so so so so many other people I didn't mention here I love you all a lot, and you all mean as much :)
Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with this feeling of what might have been. I'm not as over it as I think I am, but I don't even know what it is, and how it could be any different.
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Yesterday I made a wish on 11:11 (in the morning, but ningxin says it doesn't work), so I asked for one of two things to happen, then I thought that something happening (or rather not happening) was a sign that the latter of the two was coming true then ningxin said I was being stupid and she told me something completely against everything I've come to a conclusion to and then the something that didn't happen, happened.
I am so confused. I should stop believing in signs I think?
Do you let something happen because everything's meant to be/predetermined, or do you make it happen? Inspiration contradicts sometimes, too much.
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I know this is stupid but I still haven't decided if our Heartsong/Grammies dance was slutty/provocative, or if it really was good/real hiphop.
Why do I care so much? I shouldn't be weighed down by labels.
Why're there so many 'should's, why do we try changing ourselves? (Maybe because it'll hurt less)
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I have no idea where my life is heading. And that's why I lack motivation.
FOR TOO MANY THINGS, I'M DISAPPOINTING TOO MANY PEOPLE I know it but I can't seem to do anything about it (not because I can't, but because I won't bother)
Past week has been very tiring yet really fulfilling :) Late nights + early mornings = black eyebags but (may I say it myself haha) a decent dance!
Thank you Amelia Nicole Rae-Ann Vanessa Jocie for coming down to support, I appreciate it a lot a lot a lot!!! And all your words of uh, appreciation after concert hahaha <3 And for all the other b11atchies who couldn't come but wished me good luck (omg hanjun your note was so cute + your sms was super sweet! :* )
Thank you Choir people for ambushing us with stage makeup and advice ten minutes before concert started haha, so we wouldn't look like ghosts when we went up. No experience with bright lights whatsoever. :(
Thank you MinChih and Dawne for the really enjoyable past week and all our retarded practices + camwhoring (no just minchih) + taking turns to get cut off the video + steps memorising stress + youtube searching and ripping off + all our OMGOMGOMG MUST DO THIS DANCE SCRAP THAT DANCE + dawne's retardedness + fast food eating + "are my legs skinnier or am I just growing more accepting?" I think it's the latter :(
Haha I don't really know what else to say, just - TALENT VOGUE WILL PWNASS X58342834032 MORE 8D
Anyway I'm going to get Tumblr, already created account but no posts yet. WILL NOT ABANDON THIS.
Yesterday was concert prep and we turned into floppy marshmallows and had bread for lunch and marveled at how the mirror made us look skinnaye.
AR discussion wasn't as productive as expected, with low points and whatnot but at least we did work so! :) Way home was hobo-ing outside Hyatt with bubble tea (and I swear I will do that again HI B11ATCH) and talking about cancer.
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Today I started entering self-doubt and what you said made my day!
TODAY WAS FUN. ONE DOWN ONE TO GO. Thank you b11atch for coming tomorrow <3
And thank you yongxin/ryan/fukang for performing today I realised I forgot to thank you!
