Find your dream. If you haven't found it, keep looking.Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.
Have the courage to follow your heart and your intuition. Everything else is secondary.
You can only connect the dots looking back.
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Today, at 10AM, after struggling with a serious case of depression since my wife passed away earlier this year, I sat at my desk and stared down blankly at a large bottle of anti-depressants my doctor prescribed me. And just as I was considering swallowing them all, my daughter called to tell me she loves me. MMT
The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
- Robert Byrne
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Yesterday I woke up at 10.50 in the morning and after the initial surprise that I'd managed to sleep for so long did I truly realise how much I needed it. (Though the eyebags are still big, apparently.)
Was very, very productive - made cue cards, practised speech, completed my Geog Product, started on Chinese PT. (Just going to say that this isn't going to be the last time I miss school for a break.)
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Today I reached school nicely early, but not early enough for comm meeting ): I never make it to school before 7, even when I try .__.
Birthdays are Good Days - 1. WeiYi follows me around to places "because today's your birthday". 2. I can guilt trip my dad into waiting half an hour more when he's five minutes away from picking me up 3. People wish me left right center 4. (And I think one year's worth of wait in between birthdays have made me forget the fuzzy feeling of receiving presents) a. Thank you Phyllis - omg your present is very very pretty I like it I'm going to chop up my photos asap! You know I was looking at it the wrong way and everything was upside down and I started wondering very depressedly - do I have to take them out and flip them around then I realised I was looking at it the wrong way I am one year older but not any wiser ):
b. Thank you Doobie and Cheryl - I know I never get you two presents ): But I love the eclipse tumbler HAHA, I will attempt to keep it within the house for as long as possible before instincts take over and I accidentally lose it :D Nah, hahaha, thank youuu and I love the primary school standard card (though it's far above anything I could do, i know, I know. <3) and the pretty yellow paper with nice uhm penmanship and and <3
c. Thank you Sunflower - Keerthana for making me drop everything I was holding so I could receive the present with both hands LOL! I love love love the card it's going into my memory box :D And the cute little bear haha! Would tie it on my phone but I would dirty it ):
d. Thank you SH!!! Was very surprised when Laura walked into Chem class and said asked very properly to see me then when I walked out she began rattling a long string of words that are Above My Intellect (Surprise Your Friend 101 - make her feel stupid on her birthday, thanks ah), and insulted my intellect and then another long string of words that I was supposed to go find out the definition of (!!!) but I swear I know what.. 20% of them mean teehee. AH I LOVE YOU ALL I have the perfect use for the notebook but I shan't say what yet :) And then I hugged Laura very very happily and tightly and then she took her books about to go and I said not even one more hug? and she put them back down on the lockers with a sigh and hugged me again and I walked back into class with a very big smile :D
And best birthday present from RGS = going through a lot of stress and worry from the Orals, BUT I PRACTICALLY SKIPPED DOWN WHEN IT WAS OVERRRRR.
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Guides after that:
1. NCPC! Hahaha it was very fun Hanin WeiYI Vanessa and I were gayly skipping around and bursting into song and skipping some more, actual visit was a very common sense presentation with a police officer that was very close to sounding like a pervert hahaha (sorry my over analytical skills which are probably very screwed anyway) and we passed a very easy test and skipped back to school :D
2. Structure Comm! Hacked away at Freddo The Frog with Vanessa and through our pain we started thinking and talking about how time has flown, and how time will fly ): It really is very surreal - I have very clear memories of my sec one year and it one year it'll be leaving and it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel enough ): LOVE YOU TWINNEH :D And thank you for your birthday wish bombard after assembly I was really touched that you remembered it without Facebook HAHA :D
3. Milk Tea! Ah never dies does it. And once again we shared gossip under the escalator and sipped at milk tea and laughed like crazy Kway we must go Koi tomorrow :D :D :D
And it's AA tomorrow and it feels so OMG IT'S TOMORROW but it hasn't sunk in that in exactly 24 hours we'd be in the midst of a wonderful campfire (without the fire, go away non-guides) watching juniors and seniors dance hahaha. Still have a lot of preparation left for tomorrow - really should not be here.
Tomorrow we will camwhore like there's no tomorrow (last year of watching AA!!!!) omg, last year.
Today I reached home incredibly exhausted and thirsty (after six hours of learning Oh in twenty minutes, and screwing up auditions in thirty seconds; cutting out one lollipop that nearly made me crazy, trying to get Cherlene to talk to me but she ran away, a few hours of NDP prac which wasn't tiring but still very mentally exhausting in a weird way; stayed back with structure comm + Jocie + Amelia - YinYu who ran off early and hauled up a gigantic tripod - Laura's campaign has taught us a lot, ...the hard way, then MRT-ed home and I swear I miss the primary school days when my dad picked me up and sent me to school everyday but I still didn't like having to walk from the further bus stop.) and I don't know if I can go through tomorrow.
Desperately want a parent's letter but the thing that's stopping me is NDP practice but I really don't know if I can take it already I am very very tired and I don't even know why, late nights and neverending heavy workloads never worked well for me, separately, and mashed together it's not something I'm used to and I know I sound like a wimp but really.
So I trudged through the house looking very annoyed (because that's what I look like when I'm tired, not good) and planning how ndp people might survive without me so I took a shower and got out feeling better but still very helpless and I opened the fridge and saw a bowl of cut oranges and I swear that made my day :)
8:55 PM
#430; when there's no light to break up the dark, that's when I look at you
I remember in Sec1 watching dance concert I kept thinking - what if I'd gotten in? I'd be there on that stage. I'd be the one dancing for all these people. But this year, though yes it still crossed my mind and my entire body was literally aching to be there with them doing those amazing dances (Sec 4 batch dance was !!! and the one before intermission um I think it was called Letting Go it was so beautiful the asymmetry was so intricately choreographed and every move and feeling so well planned yet so seamlessly and effortlessly delivered ahhh I could barely keep myself sitting still and Sec 3 batch dance was super cool we need something epic like that with the shadows/ hoodies/ masks/ costume change for AA dance next year!) but I didn't imagine myself there anymore. If I had been I wouldn't have spent nearly half an hour choosing cheese cake with Mayo (and in the end eating chocolate banana cake instead) and camwhoring in the MRT and running for the bus in heels and attempting to sing with Laura and Wei Yi walking to UCC and talking to Yin Yu about my theory on the relationship between feet size and height and learning to read fan ti zi from Han Jun's shirt. It just wasn't meant to be and I wouldn't have given all this up for the most amazing dance experience I could've had these 4 years and the level of dance I could've been at if I'd gotten into Dance. (But nevertheless - MAYO OKAY I DON'T CARE ABOUT FEELING OLD LET'S GO PRETEND TO BE PROFESSIONALS AT RGP)
but now I realise I wouldn’t give guides up for anything- not because what i’ve learned from guides is any more valuable than what I could be learning from drama, but because the people and experiences and relationships i’ve had in guides are just too priceless to ever be regrettable, even in the face of doing an activity I would genuinely love, have loved. there’s still that pang that snags at me when I go for choir concerts- why didn’t I bother to try out? or drama productions- why didn’t I put it as first choice? why did I deny myself 4 years of performing spontaneity? I know while I wish I could sing with an ensemble, do justice to the human experience through theatre- I don’t regret joining guides at all. so those pangs will continue to singe at me in an annoying, you’re not as adequate as you could be way, but I know those pangs aren’t really regrets. okay its 2.22 AM and i’m not sure what i’m saying anymore but basically I still do feel it, the frustrated wonder of could-have-beens, but it doesn’t hurt anymore like the way it used to kill me and paralyse me and make me wonder what the hell am I doing here? chances are I won’t ever need to light a fire once I graduate - if there’s anything i’ve learned its that there’s something in everything, and guides is a very very special huge big burgeoning (check out the definition, mayo (yes I love you too)) thing
It crossed my mind too, because dance concert was amazingly beautiful (I loved the sec four dance I loved the way it spoke a story through dance, like how the best dances are) and I was telling Laura I wanted to learn ballet because I wanted to be able to move the way they do and it opened up a lot of what-ifs, like what if I didn't quit ballet/chinese dance and what if I got in? But it was only a passing thought, like how different would I be, and there were no regrets, and I know why. I've never really said this to many people, but the reason why Bless The Broken Road hits so close to home is because this was the broken road, this whole mess of what CCAs I wanted to join and what I didn't get into, and what I did - and Guides was where it led me, and I never have and never will look back.
And this is what scares me actually, when it's our time. I'm not scared of the organizing, of the preparation, of the work. I'm not scared because we've well established we could do it, and come on - everyone, every batch, can. I think in the past three years in Guides the batch I still look up to the most was Lathiga's batch, the Sec 1 Sec 4s, because I wasn't able to appreciate it then because I accepted it as the norm - but they were amazing. I don't know what about March Camp it was but it made me love Guides, it made me love Sunflower, and it made me feel part of this big burgeoning thing (ily laura) even when we hadn't formed and created the comfort of b11atch. And their AA was amazingly organized and it's just the general atmosphere they created that really brought people together.
I'm scared we can't live up to that. I'm scared the new recruits won't see Guides the way our Sec 4s let us, I'm scared we'll twist the image of Guides the way they see it, as compared to how we saw, and see it. I'm not scared that we won't be able to run Guides - we can, and like I said, everybody can, it just takes time, mistakes, and learning, but I'm aiming for more, I don't think this is "expecting too much" because it isn't, if they did it, we can, but I don't know how, not yet.
“Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your lungs, the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells “can’t”. But you don’t listen.You push harder, you hear the voice that whispers “can”. And you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.”
And contrary to my previous post - I thought about it, I really did, fantasies aside, but passion is limited my position. Because there comes a time when you just have to sit back and let things be, because it's not in your place to do anything about it. Sure, you can always try, it just depends on how accepting those of position are, isn't it? And I don't need any words of comfort or whatever, until you've thought about it fully, placed us in that picture, and still believe wholeheartedly in it. But at the same time I don't want us to be limited by the system of the previous years, but I know you don't see any other way to it. A lot of muddled thoughts.
I don't know if I can say this straight to you, but either you come for session, or you leave Guides. I don't know what hurts me more, that I thought you were good, I thought you were nice, but you haven't even given yourself time (and when you come for session I think you've been blinded by what you could have but didn't, but live with it already and learn to accept, learn to appreciate) to get to know Guides and you're not even giving yourself a chance to now.
Before that was: Sorceror's Apprentice with Amelia and Rae-Ann - it was actually pretty mushy hahaha, I loved the song they kept playing :D And Amelia was being a wimp and I swear I couldn't feel my wrist for half of the movie.
Secret Recipe - Spent forever choosing food and cheesecake with Jocie, i.e. choosing two cakes from a selection of 49857240, and when we ordered it they only had two cheesecakes on display ): Dinner was a lot of food sharing and cake eating (chocolate banana was good stuff) and feet relaxation under the table and heel wearing and camwhoring :D
Way there - was nothing but camwhoring and fearing potential sweat with Rae-Ann HAHA. Got there and we all traipsed to the toilet and saw people. Intermission - JUMPSHOTS, IN DRESSES :D Fail though ): Camwhored at the stairs and saw more people hahaha, Nicole points out everyone! After concert - crazy mad, found Crystal and went around looking for the Rachel Nadia Rachel Nicole (HAHA) found WenYing and ShiJin and made awkward conversation but I miss them so much! Found Nadia and she had a whole army of supporters so we just hovered along the edges looking pathetic hahaha, found Rachel L and she was with her dad and sis so we just hovered along the edge too, then saw Nicole and Rachel C all with their glittery eyes and I realised how much I miss cheer /:
Way home was.. omg am never leaving somewhere late without either WeiYi or my parents fetching us O: Decided not to take bus, so HanJun WeiYi and I stood along the curb and tried to flag down a taxi and bursting out into random exasperated screams of TAKSIII and them telling me to lift up my leg so all the taxis will get seduced and stop for us (wtf!) so I stuck it up in the air awkwardly and they started screaming YOU JUST WATCHED A WHOLE DANCE CONCERT AND THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD DO?!
Gave up eventually so we went to the other side to flag a taxi, but omg am never running across roads + through plants again (though it was a learning experience HAHA) and finally found a taxi and took a Very Expensive ride to Paya Lebar which was very amusingly entertaining ILY both :D Bubble Tea at Paya Lebar = closed so we went to some minimart to buy drinks, and then HanJun left on the circle line so WeiYi and I because overprotective motherly and forced her to sms us when she reached home, reached WeiYi's condo so we sat there talking about everything and nothing and things we weren't happy about and things we worried about then WeiYi got an SMS that said "The Eagle has landed!" HANJUN YOU ARE SO CUTE HAHAH. Thank you Kway for waiting there with me for like half an hour until my dad came!
And you were very gay I think my dad and sis were very amused :D (The Brother was sleeping)
9:42 AM
#429; remember those walls I built, baby they're tumbling down
Am stealing a few minutes to revive dying blog, past few days have been pretty crazy - reaching home past 8 and the parents are not happy. O:
Realised today I won't be free till end of EYAs ): Week 7 = start mugging for EYA (early, I know) because i don't know what's happening in class now + math Must Go Up. Aiyo why's my life so academic-oriented now, I don't like!
And today was a super sian day, everyone was half-dead and I only listened for one lesson .__. Was very dao today hahaha sorry, tiredness isn't good for my mooood.
Batch discussion after guides = if nothing happens on Friday we will go on bitch spree I am very sure. /: WE ARE POWERRR.
Dance Concert and AA are going to come and go too soon.
Another thing I've been thinking of for a while - a friendship can't be really strong without going through a phase of annoyance/dislike, I kind of agree with it, and I think it's just extremely important that you accept everything during that phase. Because The Sun Will Shine.
I should stop thinking nowadays, I'm growing weirder. ):
Bio PT has been taking away any blogging time I'm sorry! I used to wonder why some people updated so little since blogging isn't that time consuming but now I realise it isn't the time it's just the general why the hell would I blog if I have work to do-ness.
I'm not going to talk about what happened recently (initiative was fun though love the sec ones and our jumpshots teehee), just a lot of things that I've been thinking of and they're not going to make any sense so it's not you, it's me (and I'm afraid we can't go on any longer, I'm sorry, I really am).
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I've been thinking about this for really long - why do people excel in things? And why does excelling in things link to passion?
Do you have a desire to excel in things, and by the success, you find that you love it? And if you do, does that mean you don't love something, you just love success? And if you look at it that way it makes you a bad person, in my opinion. I don't like ulterior motives, and I think loving something for the success it brings you is just wrong.
Or do you love it, and that sprouts the desire to do your best in it, and hence excel in it? If so where does the love come from? Do you just wake up in the morning and realise, I like doing this, I don't like doing that? And how'd you even know if you love it?
Does one make you different from the other? I'm not one to judge I think.
I don't get how you can put your heart into something you know nothing about. Something you've had no experience in whatsoever and yet somehow you've decided that you love it? Are you serious?! Sometimes I wonder if you really love anything that you put in so much effort into everything you do, or if it's just this desperate self-worth-proving need that gives you the success, and that's what you love.
And sometimes I think I'm being too mean by questioning your motives when it might have been sincere all the way.
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"No matter how devoted you are to something, people
I'd hate to think that people are questioning my motives, because if they're even there I've questioned myself a lot before I dared voice out/make a decision regarding anything important to me.
But then again I question many people's motives, because no matter how hard you try you can't trust everyone completely, can you, and it's a shitty feeling, that you have to judge your friends.
And I think I'm going to stop, because nobody can lie their way through life without a punishment/retribution in store for them, regardless of what I think, so I'll just take things as they are.
I still think it's really sad that no matter how much you give to something people won't take it at face value.
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IT'S NOT A BASIC CORE COMMITMENT AND YOU HAVE OTHER COMMITMENTS BUT IT'S STILL A COMMITMENT ARGH. (no I haven't gotten over it and it sucks because I expected a lot more of you) (all of you)
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I don't like how you use your take advantage of your advantages - just because you can probably go to whatever university you want, whenever, doesn't mean you'll have an easy life if you keep up with your current attitude.
And I really should get back to Bio. I think if anything, Sec 3 year is making me more disciplined :D
Koh HUH? Can? Humunoku. Maehanyi ..proper name can i want it to start with b HAHA i closed my eyes Koh Belga. Maehanyi OOH Koh That's like a whale or something Maehanyi omg another name Koh You better make sure it doesn't mean anything. Oh. Maehanyi that doesn't have a wiki page? it has a wiki page .__. not good Koh Balmino Hahaha this is so rubbish. Maehanyi BALMINO IS ON MYSPACE AND FACEBOOK, AT THAT. Koh Bamapo If that one has a fb and myspace, you're coming up with one yourself. Maehanyi Well this one has twitter and justin.tv Koh WHO CARES ABOUT TWITTER. Maehanyi well bamapo sounds like a clumsy whale. D< Koh ... fine come up with it yourself. D:
Finished Geog! Now = Doob's Order Form, CmPS, try Bio if I'm in the mood, go sleep.
Maehanyi laura, if you were a child in cambodia learning english, what would you need it for?
laura ♥B11ATCH a child in cambodia I would need it to be able to talk to important adults who sometimes come to my school and observe us and then leave, after a few days I would need it to be able to tell important adults that what we dont need is more food and clothes but the means to attain those for ourselves I would need english to tell them that what we need is education to get out of our poverty cycle that was only exacerbated by pol pot's regime -thats about it
Maehanyi O____O
laura ♥B11ATCH because if you think about it the increased onset of globalization means that the importance of language is very rapidly decreasing in importance so
Maehanyi you know i was thinking along the lines of, introducing myself.
laura ♥B11ATCH i would see english more as a key to the - oh.
laura ♥B11ATCH you cant go wrong 1) excuse me- politeness 3) can I have some water please- ensures continued survivla 2) where's the toilet- ensures COMFORTABLE continued survival 4) go away- wards off attacks
Hahahaha omg Laura (L).
1/2 of SS over today! I like 2/2/2 Mondays.
After school wandering to Penin sula Plaza to find a backpack = getting headaches from the ..unappealing smell, then retreating to Funan for Pizza Hut ho ho :D
8:29 PM
#425; we made even though we had our backs up against the wall
And I ditch SS because on the spur of the moment I decided SS wasn't worth it and decided to check blogs and I feel inspired.
Campaign season - two weeks have practically flown by in a mess of
1. Vote canvassing: taking two buses earlier than normal to get to school by 7am, walking into sec one classes and seeing them groan/hide their faces when we burst out into LAURA LAURA LAURA OHHH~, looking guiltily at Jocie every time I said an extra or missed out on a "yo!" (still can't memorise the order you know);
2. Whiteboard testimonials: smiling very hopefully at people to get them to write on the boards, spending Chinese rewriting "I want RGS '11 to be a place of:" in whiteboard marker even though it got erased when I moved on to the next word, the facebook uploading every night and Laura asking "is it spamming your news feed? it's supposed to";
3. The structure- oh god the structure, screaming like.. girls when the three of us attempted to prop up three poles double our height (and weight, at that), staring very fearfully at the tripod knot when we realised it hadn't been frapped, consoling ourselves via wangxuan again and again with a lot of "it won't fall.. r-right?", and the endless pegging and tightening and REPEAT and testing it and getting very scared and finally getting it reasonably secure and hence CAMWHOREEE;
4. Dinner: amazing! It's really nice to see how far we've come from the first dinner under the escalator with half the team to a full awesome dinner at J8's pastamania with an astounding 10/13 attendance :D thank you Laura for dinner (: best part = "so what could we have improved on?" (silence)
And I think this HP Campaign season has really taught me a lot, about serving with passion, leading with pride. I think the candidates this year are really one of the best we've had so far, but then again I never really took the previous years' HP campaign process as seriously as this year.
Laura your speech was amazing <3 And I wouldn't know for sure - but I think your team comprises of the people who really believe in you, who can imagine you standing up there and leading RGS with direction for the next year. And thank you so much for being as far from disappointing us - two months ago I wouldn't have known enough about you to fully support you but over June and all the shoot shag marry and talks about everything I hold dear (and you've been amazing with all your advice and you've given me direction, already, and I can't thank you enough for that), you've only cemented in me, and the team, and many many new supporters and believers I'm sure you've earned over the two weeks, the strongest belief and trust that you'll lead RGS in the same revolutionary way you've lead this team and constructed this campaign.
I love you and believe in you and I've voted you ;D ♥
And i think you love me enough not to kill me for this HAHA:
Haven't had a proper day of computer usage since like, Monday! I feel freer but busier this term O:
Elections yesterday, and, ahhhhh. ♥ I don't really know how to say this but, a combination of all the speeches by b11atch, jocie's posts, very very clear memories from my sec one year, and realizing and learning so many things within the span of this week - and I'm extremely grateful.
And position doesn't limit passion - thank you Laura for telling me that so many weeks ago and thank you b11atch for showing me that yesterday - I really really cannot imagine how much we've grown and learnt over the past few years. And I haven't believed as strongly as I do now that every single one of us is really that passionate about Guides and I know we can achieve anything, really.
Position doesn't limit passion, I hope we'll all remember that and never once let our assigned role get in the way of what we want to do, to serve.
From Jocie:
"Everyone can be great because anyone can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't even have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love."
Finished looking through math but I think I'm still screwed. Haha cannot fail this time. .__.
Now need to do SS script, and I'm free for the weekend! Except for Chinese but that's Chinese. ): Regina my mum has been bugging me about my baozhangbaodao, SHE REALLY DID ASK. annoying shizz.
Three hours of sleep from letter writing = sleeping at 9 on a Friday night ._. But 13 hours of sleep, feels very good :D I think I can get used to Saturday's without cheer way easier than I thought HAHA.
Yesterday! 1. Laura's Speech! :D I'd totally vote you even if I didn't know you, sorry this is coming from a very biased perspective but whatever! Missed a bit of Physics to very extra-ly cheer for her during lower sec assembly, but, for a good cause, eh. (and it's taking me forever to upload the vid- so if you see this, sorry!)
2. Enrollment! Horseshoe forming was killerrr, haven't hentak-ed so much for so long and actually I'm getting kind of apprehensive for NDP whoops. But, stood still for very very short, I like :D Patrol gift giving + photos + fail jumpshots after!
Milk Tea = making fun of the way people speak HAHA omg wx yy what's wrong with you two now everybody knows! HAHAZ :P Dinner with Nicole and Rae-Ann, thank youuu :D and omg, must codeword more or I'll be very oblivious.
Today! Very wasted day, woke up before lunch and reached home at three, before rolling around in bed for two hours reading fictionpress and like, I think I'm kind of dead on Monday.
RINKAKURIKATOFUKI. hahaha that's going to take some getting used to.
You should tell them the truth. Tell them that if they hold on too tightly, love might cut them. Tell them to hold on tightly anyway. Tell them everything is worth it and that the richness of life is only ever enhanced by its inevitable, brief flashes of sadness and loss.
Enrolment tomorrow! I don't think I've ever felt this.. unhappy about enrolment, it's like it was just a really short while ago that they joined guides. HAHA I FEEL LIKE A MOTHER. But, really.
Very very screwed just (nearly) finished Chem PT still have to write two very long letters (and attempt to sound coherent and make it something worth keeping argh) AND PACK UNIFORM OMG.
Didn't manage to lengthen the skirt. ): Nvm, striping.
I know you're probably sick of talking about it, but you know what, so am I, and I'm lowering my expectations, and I hate to say this- losing hope, and I'd like to know you care enough.
A lot of muddled thoughts. 
