Someday, I hope you wake up and realise that it's not the rest of the world that isn't doing things right, that isn't thinking the right way, that don't have the right morals. Because the thing is, it makes you think about why nobody's on your side, when you're always right.
Someday, I hope you wake up and realise that try as you might, you'll never be to me what he couldn't be to you. You'll realise you're doing it all wrong, because everyone has, but you. Maybe one day you'll realise that things have changed, and if you're not going to adapt, I'm leaving you behind. Too gladly.
Someday, I hope you wake up and realise that everything that's ever made me happy, you've tried to take it away, or ruined it. Everything I find a chore is something you force me into doing. Because when you realise that, then in three years you'll understand why I did what I will do.
1. FOODCHUCK at Cheryl's house again today (and every day after this until this cmps madness is over) 2. We're too easily distracted. 3. Cos Band Hero is Damn Awesome. 4. And we're too shameless when it comes to eating 8D ... :(
5. Sometimes when too many things are going on, it's easy to let go. 6. I've already let three go, including one that I shouldn't have. 7. I'm scared of the pending fourth. I will not let it go.
8. I can be extremely petty, just watch me. 9. If you want something, work for it, I'm not obliged to help you. 10. I'm not going to.
My mum says when things end, you just feel empty. I think I will, too, but I don't think I'll care. In this stage, that's not the environment we need right now.
And I don't think I'm going to touch my own computer till like next Thursday LOL, personal challenge!!
Netcarn was okay. I mean, if you love watching your class being asked to kill their opponents. But the players had fun, Cheer got third place (from last minute singlish \m/), so all's well.
FOODCHUCK @ Cheryl's house was awesome. I love you all a lot a lot!!! Awesome dinner with chindian jokes and Doob's ...Amazing Appetite. Can't wait for the next few days <3
Reached home an hour ago, dad is suddenly very slack it's kind of scary, now on msn waiting for my hair to dry.
Two things that pissed me off today (probably far more than it should have)
1. I honestly cannot stand the way people can be so competitive. I'm not even going to bother about being vague because I've said this right out to anybody who would listen, I've said this to the class probably way more angrily than I should have, and it's still bothering me. I didn't understand how 304 replied completely doubtlessly that yes, they were playing to win and Cheryl and I just looked at them incredulously and asked, then how do you expect to enjoy yourselves? They replied, we have fun while aiming to win, in that we place everyone in a position they're best at, and we have fun playing to win.
I get where they're coming from. They think success brings people together. They said, last year 315 won netcarn, that's why they're so bonded. Sure, winning something quantifies your efforts. It proves that you work well together, it proves that you've worked hard for it, and you deserve it. You celebrate your success together. It brings you together, but only through celebration of that one success.
Because after that, nobody gives a shit whether you win or not. You wouldn't give a shit whether you win or not. Nobody goes, oh we won Netcarn. So now we're bonded.
Because the end never gives value to the process.
When your process involves dividing the class into playing and not , dividing the players into good and not (and emphasizing on the distinction because no, we need to stick to the rules and only let registered players play, but it's okay we're going to let a few players play every single game despite the three games rule, because they're good and we need to win), comparing your own class to every other class in the level and seeing where you stand, practically sticking labels on everyone around you to decide what works best for you to achieve the end, then success doesn't mean anything.
I don't get how she stood at the front of the class, and asked for information. How she rattled out a long list of who's playing and who's not, what each class is doing, which netballers are and aren't playing for their class.
Nobody in their right mind would give a shit.
We're not Netball. Our worth is not determined by our success tomorrow. I've never understood why the PE teachers demand us to submit lists of who's playing what position, and ask us to discuss strategies.
We're a class.
If there's anything wrong with our school, it's that somehow, everything is turned into a competition far more vicious than it should be.
I hope they learn something tomorrow.
Honestly, I'm extremely disgusted.
2. Today you were unreasonable. You were exactly what we discussed time and time again over the past year.
I understand your standards.
But that's not the way you should have done it.
You do not expose someone's weakness in front of people already fully aware of it. In front of people who shouldn't know it, and not because of selfish reasons.
I don't even know why I felt the way I did today, but I was very, very, very annoyed with what you did.
Three things that kept me sane today:
1. Cheryl. Your gayness is just very comforting hahaha, and I'm glad that someone sees things the way I do regarding that matter. <3 But stop sitting on me, wtf!
2. Nikita. I don't know but... I like how you were so neutral today. I don't really know what else it was, but, thank you (:
3. B11ATCH. Oh shit I don't know what I would do without y'all. Knee drawing + skit watching with HanJun, stargazing, sleeping in the rain, screaming at cockroaches, smelling smoke, patrol corner, fat comparing, etc etc etc I LOVE YOU ALL LIKE MAD THANK YOU <3
Hey Laura I miss you a lot I realised I haven't seen you in so longggg :(
I hate it when I pass my illness to other people. :(
Like once when I was young and feeling like crap my dad asked me to crawl into his lap and sleep there, so I did and then when I woke up he was sick too :(
But I can't even sleep, because I have work to do. And I can't even stay up and pon school the next day, because I go to school everyday for what's after school.
WHERE'S THE LOGIC IN THAT. APRENOSFNVBSDFNGNEOINIEONDSO
Damn tired arghhhhhhhhhh.
Anyway today was great because: 1. We played mancala. 2. We played mancala at talks. 3. As the teachers talked, we dropped marbles around and coughed loudly to cover up the sound. 4. When teachers walked past, we sat on mancala.
1. Vaccinations weren't that bad, but Hep A hurt like shit. 2. Cheer trials were oh-kay. 3. I don't know how to be ruthless. 4. And I have no tact. 5. I hope like hell I don't end up saying the wrong thing. 6. CmPS is dying. 7. Lesson plans are overdue. 8. I hope I didn't say the wrong thing. 9. On another note, is this the end? 10. I LOVE YOU SH.
Nowadays so hotttt. Spent the whole day sweating, in a tank top, wtf. :/
Anyway I'm going to be very MIA and not posting and not going online because: 1. I have work to do. 2. I don't know why but I've gotten tired of the way msn demands your attention and you spend your entire online duration entertaining people/ waiting to be entertained? Maybe it's just me. 3. I have found new loves. (iPhone games.) (Go away.)
And omg- Physical conditioning tomorrow. (And many days after that) Three killer vaccinations on Tuesday. (After which there are auditions/ concert prep) OSL IS GOING TO KILL ALL OF US.
But I think I'm growing more attached to it. Maybe another instrumental factor to attachment to something (apart from the people that form it) is how much shit you put in for it/ give up for it.
:)
I'm lifeless, and extremely happy.
On a sidenote, you confuse me. But I'm well past trying to understand people.
Sometimes I think people just disappear from your life.
Maybe you watch them go - you see them around but you just don't feel like saying anything, or there's nothing left to say. Maybe one day you see something that reminds you of them, and you realise that you haven't seen them for so long, haven't spoken to them. And most of the time it doesn't even hurt. It's just this dull acceptance and there goes someone.
Which makes me wonder why? Why'd they enter your life if they just leave without any impact whatsoever?
I mean, they say everything happens for a reason. That people walk into your lives for a reason. That they teach you something. Honestly, I don't know what I've learnt from everyone who's left.
The world is a funny funny place.
--
Post-EYAs suck. Subject roundups are pointless. :/
Parents' Meet tomorrow! I think my mum's pretty excited 8D But she's not happy that we're not cooking them dinner.
And I still haven't told my mum my Physics marks!!! I think she'll be pretty pleased, since she expected me to fail tragically LOLOLOL.
Today Koh Wei Yi and I discovered the wonders of an iPad! And Koi-hoboing with Jocie Vanessa YinYu WeiYi = ♥ I think we have no regard for public space and simple etiquette.
Haha after getting last place in Sec 1 I think in Sec 2 we went there really just to have fun and definitely without the intent of winning. I think our main aim was not to lose all our matches again?
I remember how they moment we won one match we were mad happy, and if I'm not wrong we even won another and went around yelling WE WON TWO MATCHES! TWO!!! And the general atmosphere was just so... hahaha yay we are all such failures and we love being failures! Not in a way that made us embarrassed about our class, just in a way that, this was us, and we couldn't imagine it any other way, and this was what 210 was all about.
This year, when we were sat down on the courts during PE, and we spent forever choosing the team that was going to play, I said "Actually can't we just put any names down? Cos in the end everyone plays, so it doesn't matter." And they just looked at me weirdly, and Annabel said uhh no, I think only your class did that.
I remember after that we split the class up into team and non-team, and I went home thinking that wow, 304 has a really strong team this year. Maybe this year we'll stand a chance, unlike last year.
But now I realise, Netcarn definitely isn't about winning. It isn't about walking off court angry and having an inter-class quarrel over facebook (ahem), it isn't about aiming only to win, it isn't about only letting the team play because they're the best.
Because this is a inter-class competition, and the purpose of something like that is to bring a class together. Not segregate them by talent.
I'm just hoping that when Netcarn comes, 304 doesn't stick to what it said about only letting those players on team play.
Letting everyone play just changes the entire experience, you know?
--
Anywayyy. Math today, not too bad lah, 3.6! But I'm not muggershit nerd Nicole Chua soI'm not going to announce my marks here.
Tomorrow = killer day of 5 papers. :( Tomorrow = House Comm Camp! I hope they don't expect us to go high and cheer like mad cos I'm not going to be in the mood I'm sure.
Finished Addendum and 6-Page Report draft today, honestly I don't think it's the best we could have done. Now we just need to put it a whole lot of effort for the rest of the portions, and give it all we got :/
CHEERLEADING TRIALS SUPER SOON Hahahah Jocie Amelia yes you can come!! But one day's a Friday so I'm missing Guides sorry :( We decided to make all three of us miss one CCA day each to be fair :D And we're going to focus on the auditionees more than you all so don't be annoying! <3
And I'm doing some 50-day question challenge on Tumblr, so I'll actually be properly posting there for once.
I guess it was too short and completely lacking explanation, but I didn't feel the need to.
Let it go.
I did sign myself up for too many things in the post-EYA period. So now AR and TV's gone, and I'm left to focus on CmPS, OSL and Guides.
WE'RE JUST GOING TO ROCK NEXT YEAR'S. ;D Or some ulu little concert like Grammy's LOLOLOL.
Anyway now I'm reading this book, about this woman whose husband has gone missing for 6 years, and everyday she walks around looking for him, giving out flyers, calling his old friends, and she refuses to believe that she might be dead because everyone has given up hope on him and she refuses to.
So she meets this old woman, who tells her that when her fiance didn't come back for 2 years, she married his cousin. And she's never regretted it since. And she told the woman, life goes on.
I don't know why exactly I kept rereading that page over and over again, but I think it's something we all need to learn. That sometimes we're too caught up trying to fix the past? That if something happens, it happens for a reason. That maybe sometimes you just let things happen, and move on.
I'm having too much fun taking my medicine hahaha I feel like those little kids who play Doctor! (Only thing is that game's also played by paedo men preying on little kids but NO NOT THE POINT)
HAPPY, FEVERLESS ME ...doesn't get to go to school.
:@
I woke up and outside looked too bright and it was like :O BETRAYAL, so I went downstairs and my parents told me I need to sit at home and recover and my mum started talking about how I'm still coughing.
So I gave them My Annoyed/Dirty/Pissed Look. ;D And my dad left saying "you can just spend the whole day on the computer!" lengthy pause. "..not that you should", so, OH-KAY.
And the moment they left I entered coughing fit so- wadevvv.
My contact list is extremely sad. People come home earlier :(
BUT OMG TODAY'S TV SHOWS ARE AWESOME I spent about fifteen minutes just now flipping through the tv guide for every channel and making a nice tv schedule for today. I'm not going to get any work done.
But I will. Yes I will.
8:16 AM
#507; and he said someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying
Watch these! They're ugly videos but you really need to read the lyrics. (Thank you Phyllis!) There's something about the way they say I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying because it really says something about how maybe death isn't something to be feared? That maybe sometimes we need (even though we obviously wouldn't want it) a deadline to things, to really properly appreciate it. :/ Pretty morbid, but maybe one day when we've all lived our lives doing everything normal, then this would be... just what we need, to really, properly, live.
And this: Haha I spent today reading celebrity gossip websites OMG SO INTERESTING one day if I have nothing better to do and I'm rich and bored I'm going to become paparazzi LOL SO FUNNN.
I spent the entire afternoon reading about Taylor Swift + Taylor Lautner's romance (this song is rumoured to be about Taylor Lautner!) which is omg so drama, but super sweet and I hope they get back together!!! Suddenly it's like everyone who stars as a couple on some movie just somehow gets together in real life? BUT OMG PLEASE GET BACK TOGETHER!
Their love story goes something like that (maybe I'm dramatizing it or whatever, but this is based on the websites- and this also means I'm totally meant to be paparazzi cos they dramatize everything!): Lautner in love with Swift like mad, Swift didn't think it was "genuine" (I bet this is because he's younger than her and everything, and then she didn't think he "genuinely" loved her so she was scared to love him back!), Swift dumped him, ten months later Swift "realized that I loved you in the fall", and now she wants him back! "maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming, if we loved again I swear I'd love you right..."
PLEASE GET BACK TOGETHER.
I also spent today reading all sorts of websites on JK Rowling (HER. HOUSE. IS. AMAZING.), watching videos from VMA (Kanye West/ Taylor Swift), fangirling over Taylor Swift's monologue, googling to find out which of her other songs were directed at people and having too much fun!!!
And right now I feel pretty cool cos I'm wearing this 2004 NDP shirt (remember those Singapore shirts we wore to primary school?) and the London Underground boxers which Amelia gave me HAHAHA IDK WHY BUT V COOL NO?
What is it with people nowadays thinking that being in a relationship is some form of prerequisite to being a teenager?
Like somehow finding someone that means everything to you and hopefully you mean the same thing back somehow ups your self-worth?
So we all need that special someone to make us better people? Because we're capable of being loved? And how would we even know what love is anyway?
I'm perfectly fine with it when people just find themselves unknowingly and unexpectedly thrown into all these... deeper emotions and whatever, but I don't get it when people look for love.
It's not like not being in a relationship makes you any less of a person.
11:45 AM
#505; I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I have the worst post-exam fate ever. Exams end -> get grounded -> fall sick.
Argh worst time to fall sick, there's CmPS and OSL and TV (which argh probably won't even come to anything since we're all busy) and I won't be able to help :/ But it's just a fever (and cough and general dizzyness), I think, which goes away with sleep.
RIGHT?
I'm going to find out my marks through sms. Chemistry which I probably failed. Biology which I need to do decently in. This is fuhreakayye.
So this is for all the people worrying about grades, about results (which are coming out all too soon I must say) – let it go. Sec 3′s the year for you to fail, to wake up, to grow up, to learn; and become a better person in Sec 4, or at least be able to study harder and smarter in the year that really matters.
Don't know why but I'm generally emotionless about the paper checking, this year. I guess this is how it feels, when you know you've done all you can, and put in as much as you'd like to, that the grades don't really matter.
This EYA period has been... honestly, I've always liked the EYA period. Sure, the exams demand too much and carry too high a weightage zomg, but there's something larger than that. Studying every single afternoon with WeiYi and Laura, last minute cramming with Doob and Cheryl, coming up with songs and pronouncing every Physics formula (vuat/ vv uu tuas!), spending forever trying to understand the Kreb's Cycle, post-exam sentiment swapping, .......eating, post-it note spamming, last-minute gesturing at Doob to memorise her MCQ answers (and too many of them were different), and the general :O feel after we've finished each paper.
Haha B11ATCH, next year we're going to be muggerssss. 8D
Must. Not. Fall. Sick. :( But I'm already having a sore throat + today morning my head hurt like shittt, sorry GLT!!
Omg it's already 2pm! AND I'VE DONE NOTHING oh dear.
Why nobody online.
You know sometimes I want to stop thinking about things so I think about what I can do to get that out of my mind but then I don't do the things because it's admitting to myself that I'm avoiding those things. Admitting to myself that I'm weaker than I should be.
So I let it go. But never end up letting it go. Hmm.
1. I think we got closer this year LOL distance makes the heart grow fonder!! 2. I think we're drifting? Convos just feel weirder. 3. Oh my god you asshole, can't you just leave things be?! 4. I like how things aren't weird between us anymore :D Or maybe it's just me? 5. I don't want to disappoint you :/ I don't want to let you create a negative impression of other things I'm a part of.
Don't ask my friends, don't ask. It just might be you. ;)
But, seriously.
8:08 PM
#502; in the end I want to be standing at the beginning with you
So my brother's starting NS on January 17th, at NDU.
I don't really know what I feel right now, actually. I always expected him to enter NS at like, April? June? Anybody knows what NS entails? Like, how often they come back and all that?
What if I miss him? :( Whenever he stays over at other people's houses our house already feels so empty :/
No more tv-hogger, sister-bullyer, science facts-spouter.
And NDU = diving, and today I watched A Walk To Remember and that person attempted to dive into the sea and omfg TOUCHWOOD. He'll get trained though, he will.
I also figured that JC is going to be very lonely periods of family life- in J1 my sister's just starting at uni, my brother's at NS; in J2 my sister's into her second uni year, my brother's into his first.
I AM GOING TO BE A SAD LONELY PERSON so all of need to go out with me :(
These three days are going to be Awesome - today is CmPS, tomorrow's CmPS (probably) and cmmen, friday's CYCLINGGG.
Sucks how now that I'm awake and ready to watch good tv there's nothing on tv/ every movie's ending/ every new movie starts after I leave the house.
POST-EYAs FEEL... not me. Like, I tell myself there's all this to do, and it's like, okay there's all this to do. Yay I'm just going to use tumblr. Cos the real me Is So Conscientious.
Does putting your laptop on your lap make you infertile? LOLOLOL SORRY.
Right now it's just a mixture of 8D and @.@ and :DDDDDDDDDDDDDD and big sighs (How do you express that as an emoticon? Very important question!) and I AM HAPPEH.
I'm going to tumblr the night away because exams ending doesn't actually give me a life either, now does it.
Omg my parents suck mum wants me to do an hour of physics everyday starting from now uh okay I'm just going to smile and nod CUZ I AM HAPPEH.
It's 10 o'clock and I think adrenaline is starting to kick in already, because I was half asleep half an hour ago :(
Very very not fully prepared for tomorrow!! I'm just hoping my genes will play some role in helping me pass because my brains won't and my parents have already kind of acknowledged that - my dad was sitting down watching tv patiently waiting for me to come to him with any questions (which I didn't, and when I said goodnight he replied too happily) and my mum half-strangled me and told me that I must start revising my physics this november for next year or else (which I won't, uh, HELLO?)
But NO, I WILL PASS. MORE THAN PASS.
Not going to attempt any more revision tonight cos now adrenaline is fading away, ..uh.
But I'm going to sleep now and think about math and physics and logarithmic graphs and 1/2mv^2=mgh and I'm going to dream about it I'm going to marry it in my sleep I'm going to turn into a nighttime genius I'm going to rear dinosaurs with formulas written all over their skins I'm going to write my own damn formulas I'm going to bloody give birth to it if that's what it takes ffffffuuuuuu.
10:13 PM
#495; you put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
I guess this is it - 1.5 hours of a shitty internet connection and no reblog-worthy photos and everybody going offline AND THAT'S MOTIVATION TO DO CHEM?
TGIF thank god it's friday thank god i'm (nearly) free thank god i (have) friends thank god i (came out of the shower looked at my) fone (and it was 11:11!!!!!)
Pretty much sums up the past few days, eh. And I don't blog like a primary school kid so I'm not going to detail out my life for the past few days. I get cooler every day. (I TRY, OKAY?!)
Revelations over the past few weeks: 1. I am awesomely productive with friends, even if they sit there and read through two books of Mr Midnight (think: one book = two chem topics!) 2. I actually have self-control! Didn't use the computer for like, five days. 3. Adrenaline rushes only work every other day. 4. Losing my earphones were the best thing ever to happen right now because now I use in-ear earphones that block out the noise of every annoying person (and every stupid friend not understanding something) (I love you laura weiyi jocie) (sorry) 5. I actually do have a mild sense of direction - noticed today that the taxi was bringing us to Bugis Junction, not Junction 8!
Laura and WeiYi are the most epic study partners (Laura notice the seventh word of this sentence?) and next year's mugging sessions are going to be awesomely productive and happifying and less mugger rush than this year. :/
As for now, four more days, three more papers, so I'm going to spend the rest of the night being a hobo.
EYAs in two days :( :( :( :( :( My mum printed out the whole stack of Yingxin's notes I just killed 5703485745089 trees to save my grade I Have Sinned :(
Omg I hate being the "Generation Z" of the family they make me print everything (cos they don't know how to use the printer?!) and set up their computers to the printers and download stuff and do shit and like HELLO WO YAO KAO SHI EH.
Yeah lah I online lah hypocrite lah WHATEVER. RAWRRR.
Nine. More. Days. CMMEN PIZZA HUT REMEMBER?
8:20 PM
#489; the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
two things, I guess- life on earth really can be reclaimed from us at any one time, regardless of what we’ve done here on earth and our merit and our physical achievements. an astar scholar, a 21 year old med school student-death does not discriminate. and while I can say the fragility of life is what makes it precious to all of us- honestly I think we’re much too alive to ever be conquered by an errant lorry driver in the dead of night. so our bodies are punctured, they fail to function, and our souls can no longer interact with the physical world in the ways they’re used to doing- but I know they’re still there, still existing. and that’s an incredibly comforting thought (:
I don't know how I'm going to do this justice.
It scares me how everything we take for granted, or even the things we spend every day treasuring, can be taken away forever. That you can find the people that mean the world to you, that you want to spend the rest of your life with, that you wouldn't imagine life without, that you'd do everything to keep by your side, and they'd be your happily ever after, but not for happily ever after.
Today, I was on the subway when a group of pre-teens started singing "poker face." Around the second chorus, the six year old girl that was sitting in front of them sighed, turned around in her seat and said loudly "Excuse me, but could you please stop. Otherwise, I might misunderstand you and have to start poking all of you in the face." I wish I were as cool as that six year old. MLIA.
Read this, just as Poker Face was playing on the radio. MLIA.
Cannot take power naps >10 minutes anymore, because I never wake up to the phone alarm and end up getting annoyed at annoying parents who are getting annoyed trying to wake me up.
I need a higher tolerance level.
Haha speaking of which, EVERY TV CHANNEL IS ACCESSIBLE SUDDENLY, actually for quite a while already! So today I discovered Star World and watched How I Met Your Mother and Rules of Engagement and Vanity Lair and homg post-EYA = !!! (Omg doob HIMYM is awesome yes yes yes I NEED FUNSHION SO BADLY and go watch the rest if you don't already!)
And I don't have a good feeling about this whole round of EYAs /: Nevermind five more days till it starts, eleven days till it ends. If I can't do this, I don't deserve the post- that comes with it.
But I'm going to be mega-stressed during that period tooooo argh yesterday was awful because I was so frustrated and tired, just thinking about what's to come in the next few months.
One day at a time one day at a time one day at a time.
