#430; when there's no light to break up the dark, that's when I look at you
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I remember in Sec1 watching dance concert I kept thinking - what if I'd gotten in? I'd be there on that stage. I'd be the one dancing for all these people. But this year, though yes it still crossed my mind and my entire body was literally aching to be there with them doing those amazing dances (Sec 4 batch dance was !!! and the one before intermission um I think it was called Letting Go it was so beautiful the asymmetry was so intricately choreographed and every move and feeling so well planned yet so seamlessly and effortlessly delivered ahhh I could barely keep myself sitting still and Sec 3 batch dance was super cool we need something epic like that with the shadows/ hoodies/ masks/ costume change for AA dance next year!) but I didn't imagine myself there anymore. If I had been I wouldn't have spent nearly half an hour choosing cheese cake with Mayo (and in the end eating chocolate banana cake instead) and camwhoring in the MRT and running for the bus in heels and attempting to sing with Laura and Wei Yi walking to UCC and talking to Yin Yu about my theory on the relationship between feet size and height and learning to read fan ti zi from Han Jun's shirt. It just wasn't meant to be and I wouldn't have given all this up for the most amazing dance experience I could've had these 4 years and the level of dance I could've been at if I'd gotten into Dance. (But nevertheless - MAYO OKAY I DON'T CARE ABOUT FEELING OLD LET'S GO PRETEND TO BE PROFESSIONALS AT RGP)
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but now I realise I wouldn’t give guides up for anything- not because what i’ve learned from guides is any more valuable than what I could be learning from drama, but because the people and experiences and relationships i’ve had in guides are just too priceless to ever be regrettable, even in the face of doing an activity I would genuinely love, have loved. there’s still that pang that snags at me when I go for choir concerts- why didn’t I bother to try out? or drama productions- why didn’t I put it as first choice? why did I deny myself 4 years of performing spontaneity? I know while I wish I could sing with an ensemble, do justice to the human experience through theatre- I don’t regret joining guides at all. so those pangs will continue to singe at me in an annoying, you’re not as adequate as you could be way, but I know those pangs aren’t really regrets. okay its 2.22 AM and i’m not sure what i’m saying anymore but basically I still do feel it, the frustrated wonder of could-have-beens, but it doesn’t hurt anymore like the way it used to kill me and paralyse me and make me wonder what the hell am I doing here? chances are I won’t ever need to light a fire once I graduate - if there’s anything i’ve learned its that there’s something in everything, and guides is a very very special huge big burgeoning (check out the definition, mayo (yes I love you too)) thing
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It crossed my mind too, because dance concert was amazingly beautiful (I loved the sec four dance I loved the way it spoke a story through dance, like how the best dances are) and I was telling Laura I wanted to learn ballet because I wanted to be able to move the way they do and it opened up a lot of what-ifs, like what if I didn't quit ballet/chinese dance and what if I got in? But it was only a passing thought, like how different would I be, and there were no regrets, and I know why. I've never really said this to many people, but the reason why Bless The Broken Road hits so close to home is because this was the broken road, this whole mess of what CCAs I wanted to join and what I didn't get into, and what I did - and Guides was where it led me, and I never have and never will look back.
And this is what scares me actually, when it's our time. I'm not scared of the organizing, of the preparation, of the work. I'm not scared because we've well established we could do it, and come on - everyone, every batch, can. I think in the past three years in Guides the batch I still look up to the most was Lathiga's batch, the Sec 1 Sec 4s, because I wasn't able to appreciate it then because I accepted it as the norm - but they were amazing. I don't know what about March Camp it was but it made me love Guides, it made me love Sunflower, and it made me feel part of this big burgeoning thing (ily laura) even when we hadn't formed and created the comfort of b11atch. And their AA was amazingly organized and it's just the general atmosphere they created that really brought people together.
I'm scared we can't live up to that. I'm scared the new recruits won't see Guides the way our Sec 4s let us, I'm scared we'll twist the image of Guides the way they see it, as compared to how we saw, and see it. I'm not scared that we won't be able to run Guides - we can, and like I said, everybody can, it just takes time, mistakes, and learning, but I'm aiming for more, I don't think this is "expecting too much" because it isn't, if they did it, we can, but I don't know how, not yet.
“Your biggest challenge isn’t someone else. It’s the ache in your lungs, the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that yells “can’t”. But you don’t listen.You push harder, you hear the voice that whispers “can”. And you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are.”
And contrary to my previous post - I thought about it, I really did, fantasies aside, but passion
is limited my position. Because there comes a time when you just have to sit back and let things be, because it's not in your place to do anything about it. Sure, you can always try, it just depends on how accepting those of position are, isn't it? And I don't need any words of comfort or whatever, until you've thought about it fully, placed us in that picture, and still believe wholeheartedly in it. But at the same time I don't want us to be limited by the system of the previous years, but I know you don't see any other way to it.
A lot of muddled thoughts.
I don't know if I can say this straight to you, but either you come for session, or you leave Guides. I don't know what hurts me more, that I thought you were good, I thought you were nice, but you haven't even given yourself time (and when you come for session I think you've been blinded by what you could have but didn't, but live with it already and learn to accept, learn to appreciate) to get to know Guides and you're not even giving yourself a chance to now.
I think it's just that I'm disappointed.
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Dance Concert!
I liked:
Sec 4 batch dance = amazingly awesome
Sec 3 batch dance = cool shizz
J1 batch dance = sexayye hahah
Finale = :D
Before that was:
Sorceror's Apprentice with Amelia and Rae-Ann - it was actually pretty mushy hahaha, I loved the song they kept playing :D And Amelia was being a wimp and I swear I couldn't feel my wrist for half of the movie.
Secret Recipe - Spent forever choosing food and cheesecake with Jocie, i.e. choosing two cakes from a selection of 49857240, and when we ordered it they only had two cheesecakes on display ): Dinner was a lot of food sharing and cake eating (chocolate banana was good stuff) and feet relaxation under the table and heel wearing and camwhoring :D
Way there - was nothing but camwhoring and fearing potential sweat with Rae-Ann HAHA. Got there and we all traipsed to the toilet and saw people.
Intermission - JUMPSHOTS, IN DRESSES :D Fail though ): Camwhored at the stairs and saw more people hahaha, Nicole points out everyone!
After concert - crazy mad, found Crystal and went around looking for the Rachel Nadia Rachel Nicole (HAHA) found WenYing and ShiJin and made awkward conversation but I miss them so much! Found Nadia and she had a whole army of supporters so we just hovered along the edges looking pathetic hahaha, found Rachel L and she was with her dad and sis so we just hovered along the edge too, then saw Nicole and Rachel C all with their glittery eyes and I realised how much I miss cheer /:
Way home was.. omg am never leaving somewhere late without either WeiYi or my parents fetching us O: Decided not to take bus, so HanJun WeiYi and I stood along the curb and tried to flag down a taxi and bursting out into random exasperated screams of TAKSIII and them telling me to lift up my leg so all the taxis will get seduced and stop for us (wtf!) so I stuck it up in the air awkwardly and they started screaming YOU JUST WATCHED A WHOLE DANCE CONCERT AND THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD DO?!
Gave up eventually so we went to the other side to flag a taxi, but omg am never running across roads + through plants again (though it was a learning experience HAHA) and finally found a taxi and took a Very Expensive ride to Paya Lebar which was very amusingly entertaining ILY both :D Bubble Tea at Paya Lebar = closed so we went to some minimart to buy drinks, and then HanJun left on the circle line so WeiYi and I because overprotective motherly and forced her to sms us when she reached home, reached WeiYi's condo so we sat there talking about everything and nothing and things we weren't happy about and things we worried about then WeiYi got an SMS that said "The Eagle has landed!" HANJUN YOU ARE SO CUTE HAHAH. Thank you Kway for waiting there with me for like half an hour until my dad came!
And you were very gay I think my dad and sis were very amused :D (The Brother was sleeping)
9:42 AM
A lot of muddled thoughts.