Friday, November 13, 2009
Sometimes I look around and see people with things I want, not physical items but just... other things, and no, I'm not jealous, I just feel so inadequate. And then I feel so bitchy for feeling that because here I am sort of blessed already and yet I feel sad and sorry because I don't have that one thing more. Is it a human reflex and instinct to keep wanting more so that what, we can regret? we can wish? Because I know now that even when I wish it's just more of a heartbreak so I distant myself from it, I try to be indifferent, but no, it doesn't work. Maybe it's human reflex too to regret, regret, and regret even more. And I don't get why when I try to be happy about what I already have, I feel it, purely, for a while, and then what I don't have just cuts right back and reality hits me again and again but aren't they both reality? Why is it that when you compare the positives with the negatives the positives can shine so much brighter in quantity, in quality, but then again it's always that one mark that ruins everything isn't it? That one small thing that makes me think if only I hadn't done that, if only I realised and tried to change earlier then everything wouldn't be so harsh now. Because even if I try now, even if I pray, nothing's changing, I'm used to it, but that doesn't soften anything.
Oh god and even when I type this I find myself still wishing.
11:25 PM
